Memories within me, faces of others

Category

Meditation

Created by

Lumen

For several days, even the smallest things had deeply resonated with me. Every word, expression, and small action I would normally have overlooked penetrated deeply. I felt people's emotions as if they were surging within me, surges crashing down like waves, shaking my daily life.

There were many moments when my heart felt like it was breaking. A single word, a tone heard from somewhere, a sudden memory would send a shiver down my spine, a pang of pain. Once the wave began, it wouldn't subside easily. I'd have to sit in silence for long periods, or simply catch my breath and wait for my mind to calm down. Even in those moments when I finally caught my breath, I feared another wave of emotion would come crashing down on me.

Suddenly, I began to wonder if these feelings truly belonged to others. They seemed to come from other people, but perhaps there was a space within me that allowed me to accept them, and that's why I was so deeply shaken. Thinking about it, it seemed like everything was coming back to a problem within me. People's emotions were a mirror. What was reflected in that mirror were my wounds and memories, forgotten and unfamiliar.

Those memories were long ago. Even if the direct scenes didn't come to mind, my heart's reaction clearly remembered something. The loneliness of my childhood, the feelings of being oppressed by the words of adults, the moments when I longed to be loved, were vaguely resurfacing as bodily responses. I could vaguely sense that they were memories of my body, the afterimages of emotions etched into my subconscious.

That realization was both terrifying and unsettling. I was afraid to confront the emotions welling up within me. They were so intense and raw, I felt they would crush me. But at the same time, I knew I couldn't ignore them. If this pain was truly internal, I could no longer blame others. I felt a sense of responsibility. The realization washed over me that ultimately, only I could heal myself.

So, I began a quiet, small meditation. Each time an emotion arose, I took a deep breath and allowed it to spread from my head to my heart, and then throughout my entire body. Not pushing it away, but accepting and letting it flow. It was as if my core self, my heart, was embracing and comforting those memories.

One day, during meditation, a strong surge of emotion welled up in me. No tears flowed, but my chest tightened and I felt a choking sensation. At that moment, I imagined a caress. Light descended from above, permeating my body. The light was warm, and I felt as if it were embracing something I had forgotten. I felt it was the touch of my spirituality, my soul. The feeling of my body, my subject, and my spirit becoming one within me brought me an indescribable peace.

While I'm still often swayed by other people's emotions, I'm no longer as helpless as I once was. I've come to realize that the emotions of others that broke my heart were, in fact, memories within me. The moment I accepted that truth, I felt a little more free.

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